Safe Word Read online

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means…” I leaned in closer to her. She didn’t sit back, didn’t flinch. Her puffy lips parted slightly, and I could tell by the rapid rising of my white cotton T-shirt that clung to her breast that she was excited by the fact that I might touch her. I ran the pad of my index finger over the top of her toned thigh. Her breath caught and her nipples budded against the fabric. “How can you know you don’t like something if you haven’t tried it?”

  I traced a small circle on her inner thigh, and her legs parted slightly and a shiver rippled through her body.

  “You really don’t, do you?” I pushed the hem of the shirt up a little farther. “Do you even touch yourself, Lily?” I ran my finger along the edge of her panties and leaned in close enough for my lips to brush against the shell of her ear. “Tell me…when I have you bent over this couch, which one of your names should I moan?”

  “That’s not funny.” Her cheeks flamed red and, for a moment, I wanted to believe she was as innocent as she was claiming to be.

  “I think it’s fucking hilarious.” I brushed the hair off her neck and let my lips trail down her silky-smooth skin. “Does he touch you, Lily?” I placed an open mouth kiss at the nape of her neck as my hand slipped over the front of her damp cotton panties.

  “Who?” Her words were breathy and her eyes fluttered closed. I chuckled to myself as I placed another kiss on her hot skin.

  “Do you want me to show you what you’ve been missing?” I pulled the neck of the shirt lower and placed a kiss on the top of her breast.

  “I know what I’ve been missing, Cole. I’ve thought about you every day…”

  I worked my fingers against her on the outside of her panties. I didn’t want to have this talk. Not now. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to make her moan my name. I wanted to hear how much she wanted me…needed me. But I knew it was me who needed her. The years hadn’t diminished my feelings.

  “I have imagined doing this to you…” I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and yanked it over her head, sending her hair cascading over the back of my couch. “Every woman I have ever touched…” I slowed my hand and traced the curve of her breast. I was nothing if not in control. “I’ve wanted you for so long.”

  Her body curved toward me and her hand fell on my thigh. I wanted to feel her, to experience her, but I couldn’t trust her. Not yet. Not after all these years.

  “I didn’t give you permission to touch me.” My fingers found her nipple, hard and waiting for me to take it in my mouth. She gasped as I leaned over her and sucked it between my teeth. I grabbed her wrists and pulled her hand from my leg as I rolled my tongue over her peak. I kept her wrist locked in my grip as my tongue slid under the heavy weight of her breast.

  “Colw…” she panted and my dick went rock hard.

  “What do you need, sweetheart?” I asked, looking up at her before I kissed my way down her stomach. If her breathing was any indication, she was struggling not to come and have a panic attack at the same time.

  “You…”

  “You are so fucking perfect.” My lips traveled down to her navel, my tongue dipping inside. She stirred in her seat, sliding lower as her legs spread farther open for me.

  “I want to touch you,” she whimpered as my mouth slid over her underwear and my hot breath blew over her.

  “You’re not allowed.” I made eye contact with her to let her know this wasn’t negotiable. I was already breaking all of my rules by touching her. Letting her run her hands over me would be too much. I couldn’t lose control completely. I wasn’t ready to forgive.

  “Please…” she begged as I tugged her panties to the side and blew across her mound. I reached up and grabbed her other wrist.

  “This isn’t a negotiation. I want to make you come, Lily. I am being very nice to you. It would be in your best interest to take my gift as it is and not be greedy.”

  “I’ve missed you.”

  “Let me remind you what you have been missing.” I ran my tongue over her slit and her body convulsed beneath me. My cock strained against my jeans and every breath took me closer to fucking blowing all over myself.

  I pushed my mouth against her as I pretended we were together under different circumstances. She tasted like honey and heaven.

  “Please.” She shuddered as her body slid farther down the couch.

  I positioned myself between her legs, eager, unable to fucking stop myself. I wanted to taste her, to feel her happiness as she rode my tongue into bliss. The past was just that. I wouldn’t let myself stop now. Her nails dug into the back of my hands as I slid my tongue inside of her. She deserved better than me. I knew it from the moment I saw her step through the door at the bar. It didn’t matter. I had done worse and Rose was my redemption.

  “I’m going to release your hand and if you’re a good girl I won’t stop, understand?”

  She nodded, a thin veil of sweat covering her flushed cheeks. She looked like a fucking angel. I hated her and loved her for it. It wasn’t who she was. I let go of her wrist as I kept my eyes locked on hers. My hand slid down over her hip bone and inside of her thighs. She worried her lip between her teeth as I lowered my mouth back to her sweet pussy. She gasped as I slipped my finger inside of her. Her hips pushed back against me as I slowly fucked her. Her hand fisted at her side as she struggled to do what she was told.

  “You like that, sweetheart?”

  “Mmmm…” Her head fell to the side as her body began to tighten around my finger. I kept my rhythm steady as her eyebrows pulled together, her eyes squeezed shut.

  “Look at me.” At first she didn’t respond, lost in her own pleasure. I held still inside of her. “Look at me. I want you to remember who made you feel like this.” Her head turned back to face me, her eyes hooded. I pressed my tongue against her clit, my eyes staring into the fathomless depths of hers. Her guard was down and for a brief moment I could see the real her. Her body writhed in pleasure as the first wave of her orgasm washed over her.

  She panted and a groan escaped me as the second pulse of ecstasy ran through her. Her toes curled against my back as she held me to her until she was finished. I slid her underwear back into place and put my palm over her, cupping her.

  “What about you?” She struggled to right her breathing.

  “Don’t worry about me, darlin’. I got exactly what I wanted.”

  I walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge, leaning in to let the cold air cool me down as Lily pulled on her shirt. I listened to her bare feet pad against the hardwood floor as she made her way toward me.

  “Cole, does this…”

  I slammed the door and stood upright to look her in the eye. She was wringing her hands together nervously.

  “This doesn’t change anything.”

  Her gaze fell as sadness washed over her and she slowly nodded.

  “Why are you treating me this way?”

  “I tried to be the good guy once. It didn’t take.” I didn’t need to elaborate. Her eyes widened fractionally and she knew I was referencing her situation. It felt like another lifetime.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket and I was thankful for the distraction. I pulled it out and glanced over the text message from Danny.

  Meeting tomorrow at Fig

  The last time I was in Fig’s was the beginning of the end of my trying to do right.

  I sat at the bar, nursing what could have been my tenth beer, when an older gentleman slid onto the stool next to me. The television above the counter filled the silence between us. I listened to them break the story of one of New York’s rising police officers who had been kicked off the force for misconduct and suspicion of drug trafficking a month ago. He was released from prison and the charges were dropped after evidence surfaced that the jury had been tampered with.

  “Shame,” the man said, shaking his head as he held up a finger to the bartender. I raised an eyebrow and took a sip from my beer.

  “You do
n’t think he should have been released?”

  The man chuckled and turned to face me.

  “No, Colton. I think it was a shame you got caught. Could have used a guy on the inside like you.”

  “I’m sorry. Who the fuck are you?” My words slurred as I sat my glass down and met his glare.

  “You have potential, son. But you’re stupid, just like your father.”

  “Don’t compare me to that piece of shit.” I leaned back on my stool, wobbling as I struggled to keep my balance.

  “So I guess there are no hard feelings.”

  “I don’t even know you.”

  “You’re right. Where are my manners? My name is Daniel Abruzzo. I’m the man who got that piece of shit out of your life. I took care of your problem and I was wondering if you could help me with mine.” My father’s murderer held out his hand for me to shake. I took his hand, knowing I was making a deal with the devil. There was no turning back. I grabbed my beer and held it up.

  “To new friends.”

  “Was that about me?” Lily craned her neck to look at the screen of my phone. I shoved it back in my jeans and cracked my neck.

  “If I want you to know something, I will tell you. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”

  Her eyes narrowed and she folded her arms over her chest.

  “They will find you and me…”

  I took a step closer to her, trying not to lose control even in the face of her threats.

  “And what? What’s gonna happen to me?”

  “They’re going to send you back to prison.”

  I laughed and ran my knuckles over her cheek.

  “Men like me don’t go to prison. At least, not for long.” I froze, and my hand fell away from her face. “You fucking knew.” I rubbed my jaw roughly as I recalled the national coverage about my release. Rose must have known where I was for months. Not only that, but why did she wait so long to find me?

  “Knew what?” her eyebrows pulled together as she feigned innocence, but I could tell when she was lying.

  I rubbed my hands over my head as I took a step back, unable to process everything that was happening. It was my fault Lily was here.

  “Fuck!”

  “Please tell me what is wrong.” Lily took a step toward me with her arm outstretched.

  “Don’t! Don’t fucking touch me.” I held up my hand to stop her. “What I don’t understand is why you came back, when you knew what I had been accused of.”

  “Cole…”

  “Answer the fucking question!” I took a deep breath, struggling not to lose control completely.

  “I knew you didn’t do it.”

  “You don’t fucking know me, Rose. Does this look innocent to you? Huh?” I pointed to the spare bedroom with the lock dangling from its metal closure.

  “I’m Lily now,” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around herself. I leaned in closer, knowing she was terrified.

  “You’re whoever the fuck I want you to be. For the next two weeks I fucking own you and, if you’re lucky, you may still be alive when all of this is over.” She had awakened an animal inside of me, and as I spat my hatred at her I could still taste her on my tongue. I hated myself for giving in to her. Tears welled in her eyes and her chin quivered as she struggled to keep from breaking down. I cupped her cheek, running the pad of my finger over her silky skin. “Don’t cry, Rose. Things are just about to get fun.” I placed a gentle kiss over her lower lip and ran my thumb over it, soothing her. “Can you taste that, Rose?” All traces of anger had left my voice, but something had snapped inside of me. “I can still taste your sweetness, still smell you all over me.” I leaned down and ran my nose up the curve of her neck, inhaling. I grabbed her wrist as my mouth reached her ear.

  “Look what you’re doing to me, Rose.” I placed her hand on my jeans so she could feel how stiff my cock was from just thinking about her. She tried to pull back but I tightened my grip and held her against me. “Do you still think I’m the good guy?” I smiled as she jerked her hand back. A twisted laugh escaped me as she stormed off to the spare bedroom and slammed the door.

  I swiped my arm across the counter, sending bowls and other miscellaneous items flying and crashing to the floor. She was an obsession, and after I’d lost her, I had convinced myself that she had never been real. I had cut off all emotion toward everyone, and now I was overloaded as everything came flooding back to me.

  Chapter Eight

  I Hate the Rain

  “You have to eat,” I called through the door.

  “I’ve lost my appetite.”

  “It wasn’t a question. I am telling you that you will eat.” I took a step back and listened to her shuffle around before the door opened. “Are those sweatpants supposed to stop me from touching you?” My words were laced with sarcasm. I had no intention of forcing her to do anything. I wanted her to want it just as badly as I did. I could see how color tinted her cheeks whenever I made mention of something sexual, forced or otherwise.

  “I thought you were hungry.” She swallowed but didn’t take a step back. I brushed the dark hair from her forehead before gripping it loosely in my hand.

  “I’ve already eaten, darlin’.” I winked as her eyes widened like saucers and mine drifted down over the swell of her breasts to my oversize sweatpants that hung from her hips. I let my hand fall and walked over to the couch. I needed to keep my distance from her. No matter how it ended it would fucking kill me. But making her off-limits only made me want her more. I watched her walk across the room and take her seat next to me.

  “What’s this?” she asked as she leaned forward, examining the plates of food on the coffee table.

  “Desert-fire-pasta. I thought we could use some real food.” I grabbed the remote and turned on the television for a little background noise.

  “Thank you.” She smiled as she reached for her plate. I laughed and shook my head.

  “What?”

  “Not hungry, huh?” I grabbed my plate and sat back on the couch, my eyes fixed on the TV. I didn’t need to look at her to know she was rolling her eyes and making a face. Some things never change.

  I turned the volume up and began eating my shrimp and noodle concoction. The news was reporting a murder a few miles from here. They were assuming it was a drug deal gone bad, but nothing is ever what it seems around here. If you wanted someone to disappear it was fairly easy to do. I glanced over at Rose as I thought of how easily she had slipped away. The idea of keeping her locked away here forever crossed my mind.

  I could feel her eyes on me and my gaze drifted to the window. The sun had set and it was the beginning of another restless night of fighting my demons. Large raindrops splattered across the window. I hated the rain.

  My eyes scanned the sidewalk-chalk artwork from the neighborhood kids. When I saw the drawing of a large yellow sun, I smiled knowing that Rose was able to sneak out and spend a little time with me. I dreaded the nights that the sidewalk was covered in bright-blue raindrops. I slipped beside her house and quietly made my way to her bedroom, an office that they had converted into a room for her while the upstairs was being remodeled.

  “We are going to get caught!” Rose giggled as she stuck her leg out of her bedroom window. I grabbed her waist and held on to her as she slipped outside.

  “No one will catch us. Besides, if they do you can just say I kidnapped you.”

  She moved her hand to smack my chest and I grabbed it before she could connect.

  “You’re gonna pay for that.” I leaned in closer, savoring that fraction of a second that the world stopped spinning and she became my gravity. Her lips met mine and she inhaled as her lips parted. I took the opportunity to run my tongue over her lower lip, but she pulled back and stopped me. I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes as I begged my heart rate to slow down.

  Rose leaned forward and sat her plate on the coffee table, and the noise pulled me from my memories. I glanced over at her and her eye
s were fixed on the window.

  “I hate the rain.” She frowned as she crossed her legs in front of her on the couch.

  “I remember.” I looked back at the window as the wind picked up, beating the rain against the glass. “A flower needs the rain to grow just as much as it needs the sunshine.”

  “So you say.”

  “Yeah, I guess I say a lot of things. One thing I do know, this storm that’s coming isn’t going to be easy. I think it’s time for bed.” I pushed myself up from the couch and grabbed our plates to put in the sink.

  “Already?” Rose stirred in her seat but didn’t get up.

  I dropped the dishes in the sink and they clanked against the bowls from our breakfast. Pulling open the drawer next to the fridge, I grabbed my gun from underneath the false bottom and stuck it into the waist of my jeans. Thunder rumbled and a flicker of lightening sent shadows scattering across the apartment.

  “Get up, Rose.” I stalked into the living room and grabbed the remote, turning off the television and drowning us in darkness.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “Of the storm or me, sweetheart?”

  “I don’t want to be locked in there while the weather is bad.”

  “Fuck, Rose. There aren’t even any windows.”

  “Can’t I just sleep on the couch?”

  I laughed as I glanced around the apartment. This was her only option. I couldn’t risk her taking off in the middle of the night. She was testing me. Fucking testing me to see if I was going to be a pushover and give her what she wanted.

  “You can walk on your own two feet or I can make you go.”

  Her eyes narrowed and I was actually hoping she would take plan B. I enjoyed a challenge.

  “You know I’m scared.”

  “I am aware you are scared, I just don’t fucking care.”

  “Yes you do, Cole.” She could see right through the facade and into my heart, which she had claimed years ago.

  “Fine. Have it your way.” I rounded the coffee table and grabbed her by her shoulders, pulling her to her feet.