Safe Word Read online

  “Strippers are a waste of money,” I replied, completely disinterested in spending any more time with this asshole than I had to. I took a long drag from my cigarette as my eyes scanned the deserted land behind the club.

  “You know they allow smoking inside.”

  I blew out a cloud of smoke toward his face and he waved his hand, coughing like a bitch.

  “I don’t like smoking indoors. Feels…unnatural.” I took another drag, clicking my ashes into the air and watching them fall to the ground. The smoking wasn’t the problem. In fact, I had been trying to quit for three weeks now. I just didn’t want shit to do with some dumb asshole’s bachelor party.

  “Let go of me!” a female called from the far corner of the vacant lot. I looked past Brock to see what the problem was. He put his hand on my chest and grinned.

  “Probably didn’t pay her enough.” He laughed and I had to suppress the urge to beat his fucking face in. God I hated this guy.

  “Please!” the voice called again and this time it was more than obvious it wasn’t some simple domestic dispute. I took off across the lot, walking as fast as I could. Brock had to damn near jog to keep up with me.

  “This isn’t our problem, Bishop.”

  I gave him a sideways glance, warning him that I was not in the fucking mood. Just then I saw her and my body froze. Bright fire-red hair hanging in waves down to the center of her back.

  “Rose?” I said aloud to myself.

  “She ain’t no Rose. Firecracker maybe,” Brock replied, and I ignored him. I was now focused on the man facing her. He was bald and stood about a foot taller than she. He was above average in build, and he was dangerously close to getting his ass kicked.

  “Prior military?”

  Brock narrowed his gaze then nodded in agreement.

  “I think I’ve seen her dance here before. That ass looks familiar. I’d have to put my face in it to be sure.” He chuckled and I turned to glare at him. “It was a joke.”

  The woman squealed as the man grabbed her by her arms and lifted her from the ground, dropping her on her side.

  I flicked my cigarette and took off, seeing red. Murderous red that could only come from memories of Rose. She brought out the best and absolute worst in me.

  “Who the fuck are you?” the guy asked, his arms open like he was looking for trouble. Lucky for him, trouble had just arrived. I swung, hitting him with a wide right hook and he stumbled backward a few steps before widening his stance and catching his balance.

  “I’ll fucking kill you, you son of a bitch,” the guy yelled as he cupped his hand under his mouth to catch the blood.

  “If it’s you or me, I’d make yourself right with God, motherfucker.” I landed a jab square on his nose and it popped, bones crumbling under my knuckles.

  “That’s enough!” Brock yelled, and I shook my head, looking this woman beater in the eyes, a twisted smile on my lips. “Jesus Christ, Bishop! That’s enough!” The asshole’s feet gave way and I followed him to the ground, kneeling over him as I repeatedly landed blow after blow to his face. His head snapped back, cracking off the asphalt that peeked out from below the weeds.

  After about a dozen hits my hand was numb and the man was no longer responding. I could only tell he was still alive from the blood that bubbled from his mouth as he struggled to take a labored breath.

  “You really want to go down for murder over some fucking junkie hooker? Do you have any idea what they do to cops in prison?”

  I pushed to my feet, staring down at the bloodied mess I had created.

  “I’m not a hooker, I’m a dancer.”

  I took a step back, my jaw clenched as I struggled to keep myself from killing this asshole.

  “Shut the fuck up, Brock,” my voice was low, animalistic.

  “Thank you,” a small voice called from behind me. I closed my eyes, hoping that I was finally going to come face-to-face with the woman who had changed my entire world. I turned to face her and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. Sitting on the ground hugging her knees was a terrified woman with long dirty-blonde hair. I raised my eyes to Brock who glanced to his right. On the ground a few feet away was the fire-red wig. I looked to the sky, cursing myself for being such a fucking idiot. As the rage gave way to reality, I could now feel the blood pulsing through my hand as my knuckles throbbed and the slight breeze over the broken flesh sent sharp stabs of pain up my wrist.

  “Is he dead?” Brock yelled and I had to fight the urge to punch him in the mouth just to shut him up.

  “Doesn’t fucking matter.” I stepped closer and the woman cowered, her hair hanging in her face.

  I sank down on my knees, reaching slowly toward her face and brushed her hair to the side, tucking it behind her ear. Big green eyes met mine, but the right eye was bruised with a purpling ring that extended into her eyebrow. I ran the pad of my finger over it and she winced, pulling back from my touch.

  “It’s swollen. That should go down in a few days. The bruise isn’t anything you can’t hide with a little makeup.” I held out my hand to her, palm up. She glanced at the blood that had run into my fist while I was beating that prick. “It’s okay. It’ll wash off, darlin’.”

  She slipped her shaking fingers in mine, and I squeezed her hand, pain shooting through me as the wounds pulled open, but I didn’t loosen my grip. I stood, pulling her up to her feet.

  “We need to get the fuck out of here, Bishop. I am not going down for a murder.”

  “Go,” I called out to him, keeping my eyes on the woman.

  “Go?”

  “Go back inside and enjoy your evening. Tell the guys I got a call from work and I had to go.” I turned to look at him to make sure he understood everything I was saying.

  “What about…”

  “I’ll take care of it. Go. They are probably ready to send out a fucking search party.”

  I watched Brock shake his head before retreating to the front of the club to rejoin the party.

  “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

  “Amber, like the color,” she replied and I glanced over at the wig that lay in the dirt. “That’s why I wear the red wig.”

  “So is that your real name or the stage name?”

  “It’s my real name. I’m not a dancer. Not really. I mean…you do what you have to do sometimes.”

  I gently grabbed ahold of her hair, which hung over her shoulder.

  “I like this better. It suits you.”

  She smiled, revealing two deep dimples, and I knew that regardless of why I’d helped her, I was glad I had.

  “I should probably go.” Her gaze dropped to her feet and I used my good hand to tilt her chin up so she would look at me again.

  “You and I have a pretty big secret in common now.” I glanced at the asshole who lay in the grass a few feet away. Her eyes went wide.

  “I won’t say anything, I swear.” She began shaking her head back and forth and taking a step back from me.

  “I know you won’t because he isn’t going to die.”

  “He isn’t?”

  We both looked at the man as I grabbed a cigarette from my pocket and stuck it between my lips.

  “Unfortunately.” I pulled a lighter from my front pocket and held it to my face as I inhaled. “But I just got a very important job and I can’t have something like this landing on my doorstep.”

  She nodded, looking relieved that I hadn’t made her an accomplice to murder. I took another drag before I let my eyes drift back to her. She was still fixated on her bloody attacker. She was wearing what used to be a white T-shirt and tiny black shorts. I would have thought she was coming from the gym had I not found her behind the club.

  “You on your way home?”

  “I was,” she said with a sigh, “but now my ride might have trouble driving.”

  I laughed and flicked my ashes between us.

  “Well, Amber like the color, I can give you a ride if you like.” I wasn’t talking about my car.r />
  “Yeah, take me home.” Her eyes narrowed and my dick went rock hard.

  “Right this way, darlin’.” I grabbed the wig from the ground and guided her to my car.

  Rose was my lifelong addiction and Amber had become my methadone. She filled that desperate need to connect to my past no matter how much I tried to deny it. I had worked hard to become a good person but that one moment in time had pulled me back.

  “It kills me the way you look at me now.”

  “Get used to it, sweetheart.” This bitch was determined to fuck with my head. I walked into the kitchen, ignoring her as I grabbed a container of yogurt from the bottom of my fridge and a spoon from the drawer. I carried it back to her and held it out for her to take. “Eat. You can do it out here or in there.” I motioned toward the spare bedroom. “Make it fast. I have shit I’ve got to deal with.” Brock couldn’t have called at a worse time. The secrets would pile up around me quickly.

  She nodded, looking down at the food in her hands before crossing the room and sitting on the couch in the living room. She peeled back the foil lid and dipped her spoon in the strawberry yogurt, stirring it around to mix the fruit.

  “What happened to your dad?”

  “What the fuck do you care? Little late for concern.”

  “Jesus, Cole. I just want to know what happened to you after I left.”

  I clenched my jaw, swallowing back all of the nasty things I wanted to say to her.

  “You’re about to take your meal to go,” I shot back, narrowing my eyes at her. She looked down at her food, her fingers stilled. “He’s dead. Both of my parents are dead.”

  Her eyes shot up, wide and sad.

  “Your mom? How?”

  “She killed herself when I was nineteen.” I crossed the room and sank down on the couch. I struggled to block out my past, and now it was looking me in the eye and begging me to talk about those secrets I had locked away so many years ago. “She shot herself in the head in our living room. Do you know how rare it is for a woman to commit suicide with a gun?”

  She shook her head, tears glossing her eyes.

  “Pretty fucking rare.”

  “Do you…” her voice trailed off and I avoided her question. I had always held on to the belief that she hadn’t killed herself; that my father had finally put an end to his brutality, but the evidence wasn’t there.

  “I found her. I should have been there to stop her.”

  “You can’t blame yourself.”

  I blamed myself for not protecting my mother. For her death, for losing Rose and not being able to protect her when she was younger. I had spent most of my adult life trying to make it up to all of those I had let down, but it was never enough.

  “Eat your food.” I relaxed against the back of the sofa and propped my feet on the old coffee table. I wasn’t having this conversation with her. Not now. Too many years had passed and I was desperately trying to rewrite history for sanity’s sake. Having her here was crumbling the facade and none of this would end well.

  She took a bite of her food, flipping the spoon over so she could run her tongue over it. Her eyes flicked to mine and I cleared my throat, pulling my gaze from her mouth. Her lips began to pull up at the corners and I knew she had caught me staring, but it was impossible not to. No matter how I felt about Rose, whether her abandonment was real or imagined, I still harbored a lot of anger toward her and it pissed me off to no end that I also held a lot of love. I wanted to run away with her like I had planned all those years ago. I wished I could take her to California and let her mingle with the stars.

  “I thought about you all…” she began.

  “Don’t. I can’t fucking hear it.” I ran my hand through my hair and over my stubbled jaw. She only nodded and took another bite of her food. Memory Lane was closed.

  “The nightmares? That something new?” She stirred her yogurt.

  “You heard that?” I let my eyes fall closed as I thought back to the night before. I’d dreamed of Rose every night. It was never anything new. Some dreams were better than others, but they always ended the same way. I was alone.

  “You yelled for me. I yelled back thinking you were in trouble but you never came. It took me awhile to realize that you were having a nightmare.”

  That was a first. The fear, the sadness in her voice had been real.

  “I didn’t mean to wake you,” I replied, avoiding the real cause for her distress. I didn’t owe her an explanation.

  “It’s kind of hard to sleep when you are locked away in some guy’s house.” She laughed sadly.

  “Some guy, huh?” I could feel the anger coursing through my veins at her words. That was all I had ever been to her.

  “You know what I mean.” Her big brown eyes met mine and I had to clench my jaw to keep everything bottled up inside.

  “Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.” I pushed to my feet, my heart sinking in my chest as I held out a hand for her. She hesitated before slipping her hand in mine, and I pulled her effortlessly to her feet. Her body swayed toward mine and I caught her familiar smell. It was amazing how quickly a scent could pull you back into a different time. “Are you done eating?” I asked, my voice wavering as I struggled not to pull her against me. This woman was poison to me, and I wasn’t about to let her get back inside my heart.

  “I was too ashamed to find you. You have no idea what it was like. You deserved more than the person I was.” Her fingers slipped from mine, and she held out her empty container and spoon. I took it and cocked my head toward the spare bedroom door. “I hate being alone but there is only one person that I ever felt safe with.” Her voice was barely audible and her chin quivered. I knew that feeling. I had been alone for years, even when someone else accompanied me to my bed. I was never whole. I swallowed against the lump that had formed in my throat. I wanted to pull her against me, feel her warmth, and make her feel safe in my arms.

  “I don’t feel like dancing.” Rose smiled politely at the senior who had slid in beside her in the overcrowded gym. I hated functions like this, and I had only come because it gave me a chance to see Rose. We had to be very careful about being seen together, and I craved her more than I craved my next breath.

  “Come on.” He pulled her closer to his body as his friends laughed, encouraging him to continue harassing her. Her cheeks flamed as red as her hair, and I knew she was beginning to panic. I could see her finger tips pushing against her thumb as she silently counted, trying to calm herself and keep from freaking out.

  “I don’t feel like it.” She pushed against his chest, but he didn’t retreat. He stared down at her with a cocky grin.

  I walked by them, making sure my shoulder slammed into his, spinning him backward and effectively taking his focus off Rose.

  “What the fuck is your problem, asshole?” he yelled, throwing his arms up in an invitation to fight. I laughed and took a step closer to him.

  “You are.” I watched as Rose slipped between the crowd that was forming and out of the door.

  “Break it up!” Mr. Walcheck stepped between us, hesitantly. “What is going on here, Colton?” he asked as he folded his arms over his chest.

  “Just a misunderstanding.” I took a step back, letting him know I wasn’t going to cause any trouble. He rolled his eyes and sighed as he glanced over the crowd. I headed for the exit, desperate to find Rose. When she got upset it was incredibly difficult to calm her down. I slipped out of the front exit to the school onto the dark, wet parking lot. I scanned the rows of beat-up old cars. There was a couple making out against an old Mustang and another walking down the sidewalk holding hands.

  Finally I spotted Rose, leaning against a street lamp with her hands over her face.

  “Rose!” I called out to her as I began to make my way across the lot. Her eyes shot up and she stepped toward me, unable to resist the magnetic pull that always seemed to bring us crashing together.

  My chest hit hers with a thud causing her to stumble backward a step
. I looped my arm behind her back, keeping her firmly against me, my other hand lost in her hair so we were cheek to cheek. I kept my breathing level and steady, and my breath blew against her ear. It was incredibly hard to keep myself calm when she was scared or upset, but I had to for her sake. I needed her to feel my heart pounding against hers, needed her to know she was safe and I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her.

  “Shh…” I whispered as I exhaled, feeling her relax against me.

  “You’re not alone,” I replied, instinctively trying to make her feel better. She only nodded, looking down at the floor. As she made her way to the tiny bedroom, I wanted to slip inside with her and lock us both away from the world.

  “You have everything you need in here. I need to run a few errands.”

  “Wait.” She took a step closer, a thousand words unspoken hanging in the air between us.

  “I have to go. I won’t be long. You will be safe here. Just be quiet,” I replied and pulled the door closed. I didn’t want to waste any more time worrying about Brock. I slipped into my bedroom and grabbed a pale-gray T-shirt from my dresser. I grabbed my phone and car keys. I stared at the keys for a long moment before I shot him a text letting him know I was coming sooner than he expected.

  Let’s do this. I am a busy man.

  It didn’t take long for him to respond.

  Wrapping up a B&E on George St. Meet you at the club.

  I slipped my phone into my pocket and ran my hand roughly over my jaw. It stung not being a part of the force anymore, even if I did know it wasn’t what I was meant for. I’ve had too much anger and struggled to conform to society’s idea of what was right. There was a very large gray area in the world that I felt much more comfortable in. The shadows hid a lot of danger that the cops couldn’t or wouldn’t touch because of arbitrary laws and moral codes. I, on the other hand, did what I felt was right, even if I had to take the wrong path to achieve it. Still, it was painfully hard to admit that I was better off in this life than behind a badge.

  I slid my feet into my sneakers and headed out the fire escape. The skies were cloudy and I could smell rain off in the distance. Bad weather always put a damper on my mood and, admittedly, I wasn’t a pleasant person to be around on a good day.